Copyright (c) 2010 Dirk Sayers

Every once in a while I get an email through my web site from someone who asks this question. I've answered it elsewhere, but it comes up persistently, revealing just how common it is. It plagues almost everyone starting out...not to mention many who've been at it a while, but are going through a dry spell. While I hear it most from women, it also comes from men who know I've been in the online dating community. For them, it takes a somewhat different form, usually: "Why is no one answering my emails?"

My answer generally takes the form of the following questions. Note that my reasoning assumes you're on a reputable site in a geographical area with plenty of prospects. If the assumption is true, there has to be reason (or reasons) it isn't working.

1. Is your profile visible? Sound silly? More than one I have known has hidden their profiles for a period, taking a break from online dating and decided later to get back in the game. One woman I know even went so far as to completely revise her profile and update her photos. She waited impatiently for the flood of emails she expected. No hits on her profile and no responses to emails she sent. Finally she contacted the Customer Service who advised her that her profile was still hidden. Embarrassed but relieved, she changed her settings and was off to the races. The lesson? If you're getting no responses and no traffic, check to see if your profile is visible.

2. Does your profile essay invite a response? Try looking at it from the perspective of the kind of man or woman you hope to attract. Would YOU contact you, if you were reading your own profile as a prospect for a relationship? Specifically, ask yourself the same questions you asked (or should have asked) when you developed your profile.

a. Who am I really, according to this profile? Is it accurate? Does it represent me well? Would I date me, if I were on the other side of the gender line?

b. What does my profile say I want? Is it clear and realistic? Would the someone I'm searching for, conclude he or she is a fit, based on my profile? Is there enough information in the profile to help him/her make that decision and to comment on in his/her first email? If not...revise your essay.

c. What don't I want? Is it written all over my profile in negative terms? If so, you may have your answer. Most men and women will avoid negativity out of self-defense. It's contagious and it's toxic. If you MUST get what you don't want out there somehow, turn it around and emphasize positive attributes that are essentially the opposite of what you're trying to avoid.

d. What do I bring to the table? Does it come out in the profile? Is it reasonable to expect it will be "enough" for the man or woman I seek? Might some find it overwhelming? There's such a thing as too good...from the perspective of the viewer of your profile. You can read that "too good to be true." In this day of naked self-promotion and shameless marketing, there's a temptation to fall into that trap; to make yourself heard over the noise. It can backfire. If you've ever been rejected for a job because you're "over-qualified," you know exactly what I mean.

3. Does your profile have a photo or photos? If the answer is no, then you have your answer. Embarrassed to be online? Afraid your boss is going to read your profile? If you're not willing to post a photo, don't expect online dating to work for you. Attraction in a relationship with intimacy as a goal will usually begin with the visual...particularly if you're talking about men. If you do have a photo or photos posted, see question 4, following.

4. Does your photo (or photos) represent you well? Find someone similar to the man or woman you're trying to attract and ask them. If the answer is no, ask them why. If it's something you can fix or at least improve, do it. Hard on the ego? Well, how badly do you want to succeed?

5. Does your profile essay invite a response? If not, revise your profile essay...now! As every successful sales person knows, if you don't offer the sale to your prospective client, you are missing sales. The same is true in online dating. If you don't invite someone to contact you, implicitly and explicitly, a fair number of them won't, for a variety of reasons. Granted, some who opt out probably should anyway. But wouldn't you rather be the one to decide? You can't make intelligent choices if you don't have any. Wrap your profile up with a nonthreatening "come-on" that makes it safer for them to take a chance.

The reasons above are certainly not the only reasons the inbox on your profile may be gathering dust. But they tend to be the most common. If you look at the questions above with a clear and an open mind, most of the things that get in the way of success can be remedied. Best of love and luck!