Copyright (c) 2010 Michael Jozwiak

Yankees, the most successful winning sports franchise in American history.

Yes, Yankee-haters. Yankees owner-slash-Sith lord George Steinbrenner is taking a permanent dirt nap. His status has been officially downgraded to DEAD, following a massive heart attack. This startling news sent shockwaves throughout the sports world. George Steinbrenner had a heart? Who knew!

The man who was at one time banned from baseball for paying a known gambler $40,000 to dig up dirt on his own player (Hall-of-Famer Dave Winfield), has drawn his last nefarious breath. Steinbrenner's precious dynasty will continue to operate under sons Hal and Hank Steinbrenner, a dynamic, dastardly duo in the fine tradition of Uday and Qusay Hussein.

Will the Yankees' reign of terror perpetuate under the Steinbrenner progeny, or will the franchise fade into glorious insignificance with their malignant offspring ownership?

The answer is obvious. The Yankees Machine will continue to grind humanity into Soylent Green, and then eat us, for all eternity. And you know what? I dig it.

The world needs villains. We need unrepentant Darwinism in our lives. The Yankees send a clear message to the world: "We have more money than you could possibly imagine, and are willing to spend it just to crush your hopes, your pithy dreams, and your very souls. We have our own TV network. We play in the biggest market in the world, with the most famous logo in sports. No matter if you love us or hate us, you WILL talk about us. You will have an opinion. You will make YouTube videos insinuating the rampant homosexuality of our players. You will watch us, and you will like it! Our last man in the bullpen makes more money after the All-Star break than your entire family will make in a lifetime. We are not the Pittsburgh Pirates. We are the New York Yankees, and we are here to destroy you. Evolve, or perish!Charles Darwin couldn't light up a big fat stokee to that.

With their infinitely bloated payroll, their own cable empire, an undeniable tradition, and their comfortable perch in the bosom of the world's largest media market, the Yankees can never be completely eradicated from title contention. The system will never allow it. Major League Baseball is the perfect microcosm of the capitalist system. Without a salary cap, teams can, and should, spend as much as they want on their players, with the dual goal of winning, and squeezing every possible dollar they can from their fan base. People may bitch and moan, but baseball is perfect the way it is. A dog-eat-dog free-for-all in an unchecked capitalist market. YES!

America was founded with a competitive spirit, not a "hey, everyone should have the same amount of money to play with", namby-pamby, cooperative, lay-down attitude. This isn't a game of Monopoly with your dim-witted children. This is America. This is baseball.

For any moron who tries to argue differently, I present to you the Florida Marlins and the Tampa Bay Rays. The Marlins have twice won the World Series with a far, far lower payroll than the Yank-Mes. And the Rays made the 2008 World Series with about ¼ of the Yankees payroll, and continue to be a force in the American League. You see, teams can still compete and win, with less. Or, even better, some bazillionaire like Darth Steinbrenner, who actually wants to WIN, and win big, can buy your team and pump it full of sweet, sweet American CASH.

All you Pirates and Royals fans out there, would you accept a Steinbrenner/Jerry Jones type as your owner, or do you actually like being a loser, canvassing for baseball socialism and the hopeless plight of the little guy?

As a pathetic, miserable Cubs fan, I would kill for a championship. I would absolutely murder someone. It really doesn't matter if our payroll was 8 trillion, and we bought all with blood diamond. I want to win.

So, this is my argument. People don't hate the Yankees because "the system is unfair". They hate them because hate... is FUN!

Without Ivan Drago's monstrous, steroid-pumping, charismatic black boxer-killing malevolence in "Rocky 4", would we cheer as hard when Rocky knocks him out in the 15th round, then delivers his masterfully poetic speech which almost singlehandedly brought the Berlin Wall down? Or course not.

Dead owner or not, the Yankees are still the defending champions. One ponders what Ivan Drago would say if he were a massive Yankees first baseman on the juice (i.e. a taller, blonder Jason Giambi, with a funny accent). Ah, yes: "IF HE DIES... HE DIES."

The Yankees will press on, as the Evil Empire we love to loathe. Steinbrenner didn't make the Yankees evil. He just carried the sinister torch our rabid, sports-obsessed society lit long ago. We made them "evil", with our jealousy of their success. And I like it.