Copyright (c) 2010 Katherine Bouglai

Every time you ask for something you really want, you are not only taking a chance for yourself, you are giving other people the chance to say yes or no to you. Some people don't like to be pressured into this choice as they are afraid to say no, so they give you their answer indirectly. Either way, we associate the "no" response with rejection and attach it to the idea that we are not good enough. Learn how you can change this approach.

Why does it bother us so much when people refuse our gifts or turn us down, even if it is for something we didn't want that badly in the first place? We almost always find out sooner or later that the person or the organization that had rejected us once before was not the right fit for us anyways, at least not for the time being. If rejection is supposed to be a natural part of life, why does it have to hurt us so much? I think it is because the word rejection has an underlying taboo attached to it. Something we have learned in our early childhood that we get constantly reminded of each time someone gives us a negative response. When somebody tells us "this is not a good fit," we take it personally because what we really hear is "you are not good enough to fit me/us" or "you don't measure up to our standards." Because deep inside this is exactly what our ego believes about us, we collect yet another evidence for our already formed belief.

Our ego is a natural part of us we cannot get rid of. If you think your ego is a bad thing, I invite you to consider this idea — our ego serves us one very important purpose, to protect us from pain hurt and abuse. This means that every time we feel the potential danger of being hurt approaching us, real or not, our ego jumps ahead of us to take the first punch or blow from the offender so that the vulnerable part of us doesn't have to be exposed to it. That is why every time we get rejected by someone, our ego gets triggered and comes forward. And since our ego ultimately believes that we are not good enough because it's job is to keep us small and protected, it will automatically take this offense, turn on the defense and add this new evidence into a box of already formed beliefs: "Women are mean," "men are arrogant and selfish," "the world is a cruel place and it is not worth the risk of being hurt over this." So we create a vicious circle for ourselves: if rejection feels this painful then it really doesn't worth it to risk being rejected again. And by taking on this belief and staying small we are confirming it to ourselves that not risking at all is better than risking and being rejected. Many times we don't even bother to stop and give ourselves any kind of credit for trying.

The truth about our spirit is that it is much stronger than our ego because it actually has the ability to connect with the spirit of the universe or our higher power or God. Our ego cannot experience this type of connection. So in order for us to really move through the pain of rejection and continue on with our journey in search of love, we need to ask our ego to step aside, take the very pain it is protecting us from and feel it in our gut. It may not hurt as much as you think and most importantly, it is necessary for our emotional growth. That is the only way you can really see the difference between the ultimate truth and our formed limiting beliefs. Once we truly realize that other people's rejection has nothing to do with us personally, we naturally let go of the pain and disappointment. And in addition to that, we gain new strength to move on.