Copyright (c) 2010 Katherine Bouglai

When people come to me with questions and complaints about their current relationships, the first thing I do is ask them to set their situation aside just for a few moments and tell me what their ideal relationship looks like. Then, after they describe their ideal relationship, I ask them how this particular one fits into the ideal picture they just described. For most people this becomes a moment of realization.

A few people I meet still choose to argue with me and try to convince me that they are willing to be there for the one they love no matter what, even if this person does not really wish to be in a committed relationship with them. The truth is the only way it is really possible to be there for someone who is not willing to commit to you is to let him or her go. By doing so, not only will you honor yourself and your feelings, you are honoring the other person's choices as well. Granted, however, you and your feelings have to come first.

Remember the time when you were sitting on the plane and how flight attendants always tell you to put the mask on yourself first than put it on your child in case of emergency? Why do you think that is? The answer is because you can only have the ability to put the mask on your child properly if your mask is on. Same principles apply when you're in a relationship. You can only truly be there for the person you love if your needs are being met. If you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't meet your needs, you can't really give generously to them without being resentful in the end. Whenever you try to give your affection or even friendship to this person, you will have an agenda whether you admit it or not. You will be giving with the purpose to get something back.

When you believe you love someone and you want to be there for them, you may think your intentions are noble when you choose to stick around for someone who is not available. But you are not being entirely honest with yourself when you say there is nothing in it for you. Of course you have an agenda! You may be secretly hoping that once the object of your affection realizes how devoted and loving you are, she may change her mind and decide to be with you. But the truth is that no one is really capable of giving without an agenda unless they have an abundance of what they give. Same goes for love. If your heart is not overflowing with love, you will have no love to give. You may think you love this person, but what you're really doing is hoping to make him or her love you. You are looking for ways to be loved. That being said, it is impossible to truly give to anyone in a relationship where your needs are not being met.

So when I hear people tell me that they choose to stick around in a relationship that isn't working for them, I simply tell them that this is the choice they have made and there is nothing I can really do for them. In my opinion taking care of yourself and your needs is not being selfish. On the contrary, it is selfish to expect someone to take care of you by manipulating them into it. It is actually selfish to try to get someone to love you or try to convince someone to be with you when their heart is not really into you. The only way you can create a loving relationship with someone is when both of you are invested in it with your heart.